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Tales from the Fifth Wheel Part 1

Chronicles of an introverted nerd, and his oversexed, cocky best friend. Chapter One.

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Tales from the Fifth Wheel Part 1

By: darkangel - Published:

When i was in college, i learned a lot about women from my best friend, Frank, with whom i lost contact after almost a decade, spent traveling while in the U.S. Navy.

There aren’t many like him. He was careless and carefree. He was a natural ladies man. He had a way with words, and a natural magnetism that more than made up for his looks. That was what was most intriguing about anyone who knew him. He wasn’t the most attractive guy, but he had style, charisma and a way to completely disarm anyone in his path. The most jaded, conceded woman didn’t stand a chance with him.

When i first met Frank, we were both in our early 20s, and i was in my first year at CalTech.

He had a steady girlfriend, Monica, a few years older than he was. Monica was a stunning girl. Half Irish, half Pacific-Islander, Monica stood a few inches taller than Frank, and many of our friends and classmates couldn’t figure out how Frank managed to get into a steady relationship with her, not so much for his looks, but for the fact that everyone knew that Frank wasn’t exactly the kind of guy who settled for one girl.

The most amazing thing about it, was that Monica was apparently fully aware of Frank’s indiscretions. At least according to Frank.

Monica and i rarely hang out, or had any level of “deep” conversation, but  for some reason, she never struck me as someone who condones cheating. Then again, i have been proven wrong before.

I remembered this conversation we had with Frank, once. We were hanging out at a club in Santa Barbara, during Spring break. Monica was at the bar, chatting with a girlfriend, while Frank and i were doing shots of tequila in a lounge room upstairs.

“How do you do it?” I asked him, out of the blue.

“Do what?” he replied, while checking his phone.

I shook my head, not really knowing how to approach the subject. He obviously cared about Monica, but when she was not around, he was a completely different person, acting as if she never existed.

“All these girls you meet… Christ… it’s like… i’ve never seen anything like it, man.”

I’ve never seen Frank laugh so hard. He could be heard over the music. He then stopped laughing and looked at me straight in the eyes.

“Man… you are my brother, right?” Frank asked me. “You’re my brother, and i have to look out for you, right?”, he reiterated.

“Not really… but yeah.. Technically…” i replied, before he cut me off, leaning over the table, and grabbing my shoulder, “Ok, bro, stop being a fucking nerd for a second, and listen to what i’m saying. You’re my brother, and i gotta look out for you, so here is what i’m saying:” he continued, as his speech was obviously impaired by what must have been a gallon of tequila, “... so, here is what i’m saying: it’s perfectly natural for a man to spread his seed, and expand his… his... horizon!”.

I don’t remember much of the rest of our conversation, but one thing was certain: Frank wasn’t shy about discussing his lifestyle.

In the spirit of full disclosure, i was the total opposite of Frank, in every conceivable way. I didn’t have a lot of experience with girls, and i was convinced, for some reason, that every girl i met, instantly hated me, as a matter of fact.

Sometime in my last year in college, we began hanging out with Joe, a friend of Frank’s from high-school. I rarely heard about Joe, but it sounded like he and Frank went way back, almost to kindergarten.

Joe and i never really clicked, but we were pleasant to each other. In truth, i always thought he was a bit pretentious, but overall, he wasn’t a bad guy.

Joe, Frank and I made plans to do some bar-hopping through the weekend, and wound up at a place where Frank bumped into a group of gals he knew from the gym, of all places.

Theresa, Lynn, and Amy were celebrating Amy’s 26th birthday, and already hit four bars on the same street.

Theresa, a  20-something, curvy brunette, with striking brown eyes and a killer smile, seemed like the party girl, with a personality very similar to Frank’s, and a slightly southern inflection.

Lynn was apparently Theresa’s best friend. Theresa’s big and loud personality made Lynn look as if she were under a dark shadow. I found myself stealing a few more glances than i should have been comfortable with, and found that Lynn was a very pretty girl, with straight jet-black hair that framed her round face in a way similar to a porcelain doll. Lynn didn’t seem to be big on makeup, and her face didn’t really need it.

Amy, the red-headed birthday girl, was a bit like Theresa. Outgoing, extrovert, loud, and she had a body that filled a tight dress nicely, and in all the right places. Amy’s voice was a little too “Valley” for my taste, but she seemed like someone nice enough to be with when stuck in an elevator.  

If there’s one thing i know about myself, is that while some men tend to relax and feel more confident when talking to girls after a couple of drinks, i am the total opposite. I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and just as out-of-place, as i would be while sober.

Needless to say, while Frank and Joe seemed to be having a great time chatting up with the gals, i was keeping it mostly to myself, counting the minutes till we could just call it a night.

I was sure Lynn could smell it on me, which made things worse, as i grew uncomfortable by the minute.

By the sound of the conversation, it didn’t look like we were going to wrap it up anytime soon, which left me with no choice but to order up and keep myself busy with increasing amounts of alcohol in my blood. Needless to say, it wasn’t a smart thing to do, although up to that point, i didn’t really care.

It must have been close to two in the morning when the barista announced the last call. Finally, it was my cue to get up and start heading towards the door, even if Joe and Frank didn’t seem to want to, and neither did Amy and Theresa, who seemed to have shifted gears into a more uncomfortably intimate public display of affection with Joe and Frank respectively.

At a glance, Lynn seemed just as bothered, and briefly made eye-contact with me as i got up and announced my intention to get out and get some air, apparently to no one.

I walked out of the bar, and leaned against the wall on the sidewalk, by the front door. I started checking my phone, mostly as a coping ritual, as i waited for the others to eventually come out, since the bar was going to close soon.

Ten minutes later, the door opened, and the whole gang walked out at once. “Hey! There you are, buddy!” Frank shouted as he saw me standing outside, “Hey, the gals are talking about hanging at Theresa’s place right now, are you coming?”, Just as i was about to say no, Frank reminded me “It’s the weekend, man! Come on! It’s gonna be fun!”.

Every fiber of my being was ready to head home and crash into a deep slumber, but for some strange reason, Frank’s tone convinced me to further endure, and tag along. My only hope would be that Lynn would be heading in the same direction, so that i would have at least one person to interact with, while everyone else would end up making out.

Cabs were lining up in the street, so Frank, Theresa and I got into one, while Lynn, Joe and Amy took another.

Our taxi took us straight to Theresa’s place. Joe, Amy and Lynn’s cab didn’t arrive until 20 minutes after us. As it turned out, Lynn decided to follow the same advice i chose to ignore, and had the cab take her to her place, leaving me now in close quarters with two horny couples, and a whole night of staring at a ceiling and listening to bedposts banging against walls. Or not.

Theresa’s apartment was a tiny two bedroom, with a fold-out couch in the living room, on which i was sure as fuck i wasn’t going to sleep through the night.

We all sat in the living room, while Theresa made coffee. Amy disappeared in the restroom for a while, and Joe and Frank shared knowing glances, nodding and chuckling at each other in what seemed like a conversation in which i had no business butting in.

Theresa came back with coffee in tiny glass cups. She had a thing for Italian coffee cups, and short black coffee. Her coffee was so strong i felt as if i were instantly sober the second the lava-like liquid hit my taste buds.

“That’s... great coffee!” i commented, instantly realizing that those were my first words anybody heard from me during the entire night.

“Oh lord, he can talk!” Theresa shouted, as everyone laughed hysterically, “I’m sorry honey, i didn’t mean to put you on the spot! God i thought you were mute or something!”. I instantly hated her, right then. The way she spoke to me, like a child. That entire situation was a whole circle of Hell, created exclusively for me.

It was right then that i whipped out my phone and called an Uber, while everyone was distracted by my apparent dorkiness.

Then the unexpected happened. Joe got up and left to go to the restroom. Right then, Amy’s attention turned to me. “What are you doing? You’re not leaving, are you?”.

She caught me red-handed, calling an Uber. Suddenly i had no idea whether to feel embarrassed, or not giving a flying fuck about being the fifth wheel and last comic relief of the night.

“Oh, my God! Frank? Your friend just called an Uber! Tell him he’s not allowed to leave!” Amy pipes up in that cheerful tone that somehow makes me feel guilty about something i shouldn’t be feeling guilty of.

“I’m actually.. kinda tired… “ I try my best to justify my own actions, while i’m screaming in my head to just get the fuck out. Yet, for some reason, something about Amy’s voice is holding me back, right until Joe comes back and sits besides her. That’s when my attention returns to my phone as my driver is 10 minutes away.

“Come on, don’t go! You’re so fucking cute too!” Amy blurts out, and for a second she almost convinces me she means it.

Just as i’m about to feel like i could reconsider, my phone rings. “Burton” is here to the rescue.

“Sorry guys, i’m just kinda beat… maybe next time!” i say, or rather plead, while making as little eye-contact with anyone, including Frank, whose eyes i can feel on the back of my head, probably thinking “Where the fuck are you going??”.

“Ok man, sleep tight! I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?” i hear Frank, as i head out the door. I wave my hand briefly on my way out.



The morning after it took me a while to realize it was Sunday. I woke up suddenly, in panic mode, checking my phone. I was convinced it was a monday, and to some degree, i was hoping it would be.

As expected, i didn’t hear back from Frank at all, until late in the afternoon, when he texted me to ask me how i was.

“I’m fine, just a little hangover”, i lied. Frank knew it too, since i have a high tolerance to alcohol, and i had never suffered from a hangover since he knew me.

“We R at Lynn’s with T and J, U comin?”, Frank texted me back. I was quickly running out of excuses up to that point, and i folded. “OK, what’s the address?”, i replied.

Next thing i knew, i got in my car and drove to Lynn’s address, willingly, to a party i didn’t really feel i was invited to.

As i pulled into Lynn’s driveway, i spotted Joe smoking outside.

“Hey Joe, what’s happening bro?” i said as i got out of my car.

“What’s up?” he answered. He didn’t really want to know.

The door to Lynn’s apartment was open, so i let myself in, and saw Frank standing in Lynn’s kitchen, drinking a beer while arguing with Theresa about something to do with the Patriots.

Amy was sitting on a plush white faux leather sofa, watching TV. She noticed my arrival and greeted me: “Hey! How are you? Did you get home ok, last night?”. “I’m fine, still working through my hangover, i guess”, i lied again.

Right then, Frank gave me this look, as if he knew exactly what was going on.

I choose to ignore it, while Amy offers me a beer.

As we all sat around the TV, the Saints were playing the Packers, and Frank and Theresa got into an animated conversation about football, while Joe was still outside smoking. Right then Amy’s gave me a weird look.

“Ok, Mister…” she suddenly blurted out, “... something is definitely up with you. Why did you leave last night?” Amy seemed a bit more pushy on the subject than i was comfortable with, but at that point, i didn’t feel as vulnerable as i was the night before, which called for me to come clean.

“Ok…” i began, not before taking a gulp of beer, “...i guess i felt a bit uncomfortable being… the fifth wheel. So i decided to, kinda… go home.”.

Amy’s eyes lit up as she turned to Frank, “Oh, my God, i knew it! So we did make him uncomfortable… i’m so sorry! I feel like shit now...God…”. She did sound genuinely concerned, and in hindsight, it was never easy for me to deal with certain situations. The only reason why i would go out with Frank, was the fact that he never made me feel like a third wheel, and he rarely ended up putting me in that situation, but as soon as Joe entered the picture, the game changed, and i began feeling like an outsider.

“Ok, we gotta make it up to you!” Amy shouted, “Lynn is on her way, you guys are totally going to hit it off, i swear!”.

Amy had every good intentions, but one thing i’m not known for, is for being partial to match-making. It never works, and it’s just the worst for guys like me, because it turns an awkward situation, into an impossibly awkward situation.

Just as Amy turns her attention away from me and directs it to her phone, Lynn walks in. she looks taller than i remember from the night before. A lot of things seemed different than they do now.

Joe follows Lynn inside, and grabs another beer before leaning on the couch next to Amy. “Hey girl! Look who’s here! I told you he would come!”

Amy, bless her heart, she’s a natural born cheerleader.

For some reason, Lynn had the same look i felt i had the night before. “Hey, how are you?” she greeted me, as politely as she could with a perfect stranger in the street.

“I’m great, thanks… still working on my...hangover…” up to that point, the hangover story started to sound less believable by the minute.

“Stop it!” Amy interjects, “He’s fucking with you, he left because you left, and you two should totally hook up!”. Amy… bless her heart, her cheerleading skills will get her killed one day.

There was absolutely no fucking way i could feel more awkward than right in that precise moment, frozen in time.

The rest of the afternoon continued on along a linearly similar fashion, until i decided i had enough of letting my weekend be turned to shit.

I remember leaving at exactly 6:00 pm, just as Frank disappeared in the restroom, Amy was busy making out with Joe in the master bedroom, Theresa was in the kitchen working on a Pina Colada, and Lynn watched TV, seemingly detached from the rest of the universe. I remember simply disappearing, like a ghost.



The following week, i went to work, every day, with that weekend, haunting me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awkward i was, and why i’m always like that. Why couldn’t i be more social? Sometimes those thoughts have the power of driving me insane, and make me want to shut down the world, and just live in the woods, or somewhere in fucking Alaska.

As the weekend loomed on the horizon, i turned all my phone notifications to silent. Frank texted me six times on Friday, and called me twice, leaving two separate messages.

I didn’t listen to any of them for some reason. I couldn’t explain why even to myself.

I had a whole weekend planned out. A giant bucket of fried chicken, and 36 hours straight of Netflix.

Friday night hit, as i drove home from work, my phone buzzed. I thought to myself “What the hell?”. I was certain i had turned off all notifications from anyone in my address book.

“Probably a telemarketer”, i thought.

I didn’t check my phone until i walked in my apartment and kicked off my shoes. Right then i realized it wasn’t a telemarketer.

“What are you doing tonight?”, the message read, from an unknown number.

“Frank? Is that you?” I texted back, thinking my friend decided to text me from a different phone, to find out if i was being a dick on purpose. Which i was.

“It’s Amy”. Great… my cheerleader was at it again. No thanks.

“Just chilling, nothing in particular” i replied.  I instantly regretted telling her that.

Not five minutes had gone by, she texted me again.

“We are going out. Not taking no for an answer, GET UR ASS DOWN HERE”.

Next, she texted me her address. I looked at the KFC coupon in my hand, and asked myself if i was seriously considering another double dose of awkward.

“Why the Hell not. But this time i’m not waiting to get the fuck out, if things turn rough again.” I said to myself.

“OK ma’am!”, i reply.

I got in my car and drove to what appeared to be a bar downtown i had never gone to before. I couldn’t see anybody outside, but knowing them they were probably inside, already three of four drinks ahead of me.

As i headed in, i felt someone tugging at my shirt, and i turned around, to find Amy, clad in a hot little number. Her hair was done, killer makeup, and killer smile. I instantly regretted letting her bullying me into coming out. Fuck... she looked gorgeous.

“Where’s Frank and Joe?”, i asked her. “I think they are inside, Theresa and Lynn are supposed to come too with a few more of our friends. I’m happy you made it!”. Great… more people.

“Let me check if they are inside. I’ve been texting everybody and no one is answering yet.”, she told me before disappearing into the crowded bar.

Just as i was about ready to walk back to my car, she emerged from the crowd, shrugging. “Can’t find them… i don’t think they are here. I might know where they are though… where are you parked?” she asked me. I don’t know why it took me so long to answer: “I’m in the overnight parking at the back…”. As weird as it sounds, i do have a phobia about getting a parking ticket, and will walk ten blocks, if it means that my car can stay parked securely for as long as possible. I hate parking meters.

“Good! We are taking my car, come on!” Amy ordered me, as she grabbed my arm and power-walked in six inch heels, with me in tow.

As soon as we got to her car, she spent about a minute texting someone. I tried not to pay attention. Then she put down her phone and turned the car over.

“Oh, my God, where is everybody? So annoying!”, i heard her muttering to herself.

Amy was not just pushy and loud. She also drove like a maniac. Instantly, the puke scene from the movie “The 40 Years Old virgin” started playing in my head. I chuckled briefly, by myself.

“What’s funny?” Amy asked, as she weaved from one lane to another. “Nothing…” i answered, with a smirk still on my face. “You’re such a dork, oh my God!” she blurted out, “Still adorable, though!”, she immediately “corrected” herself, while i was still grinning.

“So, you guys are hitting it off or what?” I suddenly found myself asking her, for the sake of keeping awkward silences to a minimum. Amy glanced at me for a brief moment, “With Joe?” she answered, “Yeah… i’m surprised you guys didn’t come out together tonight.” I commented.

“Oh, he’s a great lay! But we are just friends… nothing steady or anything.” she dropped out of nowhere with a bit more information than what i needed to hear.

As more silence makes its way into an awkward conversation, i realized we had been riding the highway for over ten minutes, surrounded by pitch dark rolling hills.

“Where is this place?” i asked, as i begun to wonder.

“My place? It’s like… five more minutes.” Amy answered, as my mind began to reel.

“Ok… are they on their way there?” I asked, trying to figure out what to prepare for, since my car was 15 miles away.

“I don’t know… nobody’s answering. Maybe later.” was Amy’s answer.

I remained silent for the rest of the trip. I felt as if i was just moving through empty space, inertially. With no idea when i’d be hitting something in total darkness.

Finally, Amy pulled into what i could only assume as being her driveway.

I got off her car, and looked around, while she was already unlocking the gate. “Hey Mister, are you coming?” she hailed me.

I walked through the gate, right behind her, up to the front door. The house was completely dark.

“So… have you heard anything from…” i didn’t even finish the sentence. Amy seemingly ignored my open-ended question. “What do you drink?” She asked. I looked at her for a moment.

“I’m having… i’ll have…”, i felt as if i were coming out of a trance, ”...I’m having… a… Martini, i think.” i stuttered worse than Jerry Lewis on a massage chair.

“Martini coming up! Make yourself at home, babe.”.

She was loud, She drove like a maniac. She was pushy as Hell.

Turned out, she made also a mean Martini, and she could run a block in heels without tripping.

She handed me the glass, filled to the rim. I’m picky about my drinks. She nailed it.

Before i realized what was happening, she sat beside me, on her plush sectional. Her face was ten inches from mine.

I froze as she placed her hand around mine as she got closer to take a sip from my glass.

“I make a good Martini, don’t i?” she whispered, as she licked her lips.

“Yeah… you do…” i answered, as if i had been hypnotized.

“Are you… coming onto me?”, i asked, instantly regretting it. I was expecting any second to hear that loud, obnoxious laugh.

Right then i realized no one was laughing.

“Maybe i am.” It took me a minute to figure out if i actually heard what she said, or if it was just what i wanted to hear from my own little voice in my head.

Her perfume was real. Her eyes, her lips, all of that was happening at less than ten inches from my face. It was intoxicating. It was new. For someone like me at least. I’m not Frank. These kind of thing doesn’t just happen to me. And yet, it was happening.

“Put the glass down… you’re done drinking, honey.”, she ordered me. I complied, without question.

She pressed her perfectly manicured hand on my chest, and pushed me down.

“Amy… “ i whispered, as part of me still wondered what was going on with Joe. The good guy inside me was confused, lost. Amy took control, and there was no turning back.

“Shut the fuck up.” amy cut me off, just as her lips brushed against mine. Just before her sinuous figure climbed on top of me, straddling me.

My hands instinctively moved to her hips, drawing her to me. I felt her thighs clinging on me, as she kissed me with a passion i had yet to experience.

“Oh, my God… you’re hard…” she whispered, as she could feel the outline of my erection rubbing between her legs, through the front of my jeans.

She proceeded to grind her hips against me, slowly, as my erection grew.

She sat up straight, arching back. From my viewpoint, Amy couldn’t have looked any sexier, although i’m sure i could have been proven wrong, many times over.

Her short, black dress looked even tighter, and her position caused her body to tower over me in a way that made her breasts look even perkier. My instinct was to reach out and press my hands on them, but part of me almost fought it.

She continued gyrating her hips, as her crotch rubbed against mine. I could feel heat emanating from between her legs, even through two layers of clothing.

Her fingers traced paths on my chest, almost scratching me. She prompted me to take off my shirt, while her hands moved down to my belt buckle. Before i knew it, my pants were undone.

She climbed off me, and kicked off her heels, followed by her dress. Suddenly i realized why i felt so much heat emanating from her… she wasn’t wearing panties, which also explained the wet stain on the front of my denims.

I watched as she lied on the couch again. Her right foot on the carpeted floor. Her left foot on the couch. “Come here. I need your tongue.” she whispered.

I got up, and knelt down, lining up my lips to her wet opening.

The moment my tongue hit her labia, her abdomen contracted and spasmed for a moment. I looked up. Her eyes were shut tight.

Her lips were moving. She was whispering almost inaudibly:  “Come on...come on baby…”

It was my cue. My head was spinning, as i processed everything that was happening.

My tongue moved on its own accord, running up and down her slit, slowly, meticulously, until it found her clitoris. Her hands moved down between her legs. I watched as her fingers pulled her labia apart, and expose her engorged clitoris to me, in all its glory.

I began flicking my tongue, as fast as i could muster, while her hands reached for my hair and grabbed me, while her breathing became more laboured.

“Faster… faster…” i heard her whisper. “Faster...fuck...fuck me…” Amy changed her tune, as her hands pushed my face away, “Come on and fuck me, babe…” she was in a frenzy.

Just as it hit me… i didn’t have any condoms.

“I don’t have any condoms…do you...” i whispered to her. Her eyes grow wide. She looked as if she was about to eat me alive, “I’m on a pill! Just stick it in me already!...FUCK!”

There was no bargaining up to that point. I did as i was told.

She was out of control, the moment my cock began its descent into her wet, slick, warm opening. I could feel her insides convulsing and contracting around me.

I reached the hilt, i was completely engulfed into her.

My instinct lead me to thrust, in and out, slow, steady. I felt as if i had more energy than i have ever had in my life. I felt i could keep going forever.

She looked at me with pure lust in her eyes, as her fingers gripped my wrists, tight, and her hips gyrated, matching my thrusting pace.

“Fuck...fuck...fuck…” i heard her grunt. Her face was flushed, her body was glistening. Beads of sweat appeared on her chest, her forehead, her cheeks. She bit her lips. Her eyes shut tight for a moment… then opened slightly, as she suddenly stared blankly through me, towards the ceiling, as her body stiffened. I watched her as she looked like she was holding her breath. Her abdomen was stiff as a board, for the longest time… until it happened.

She exhaled, long and deep. Air was pushed out of her lungs as spasms shook her abdomen, and her legs went limp.

When she finally resumed her regular breathing, her breaths were deep and loud.

“God…. fucking… damn it….” she uttered as she exhaled. She looked at me.

“What’s wrong?”, she suddenly asked me out of the blue. I have no answered for that.  “I… nothing… why?” i answered.

“You didn’t come… what’s wrong?” She elaborated as i just realized i didn’t.

“Nothing is wrong.. I guess i just… got caught up watching you… Christ, you’re amazing…” was all i could come up with.

“God, you’re so fucking sweet!” she uttered as she pushed me on my back, “I guess i’m going to have to focus on you,  Mister…”

I watched her as she moved onto me, and wrapped her fingers around my cock, still hard and slick. She began stroking me,slow and steady.

She then went on to alternating stroking me and sucking the swollen, purple head, making me even harder than i was while insider her.

It felt unbelievable.

Before i knew it, i was close to reaching my own climax. I expected her to back away anytime. Instead, she continued sucking me, harder, deeper, as she kept stroking me.

She looked at me. Straight into my eyes.

She knew i was getting there.

She knew everything she needed to know about me.

Finally, i convulsed, feeling as if a jolt of electricity travelled through my spine.

She gripped my cock, tight, as i watched it shoot what felt like a gallon of sperm, straight into the air. She continued stroking me, milking me for everything i had.

I watched as her face and hair became matted in white, thick, sticky globs, while she stared at me, with her beautiful eyes, while mascara dripped down her left cheek.



At seven o’clock, i regained consciousness.

I was still naked on her couch. I looked down. Her head was resting on my abdomen. She was snoring a few times, then she woke up. Her eyes blinked at me. “What time is it?” she asked.

“Seven. How did you sleep?” i asked, trying to make an effort to make it sound like a normal conversation.

“Fuck, babe… are you hard again?” Amy pointed out. It dawned on me, as i felt the tension, and as it twitched, i felt the back of my erection jumping up, hitting her breast.

“Good God…” she remarked, as her fingers reached around the girth of my morning wood and she began running her tongue up on it, until it was as slick as it was 8 hours prior.

She engulfed me, once again, as my cock reached the back of her throat. She kept me there for a few seconds, until gagging sounds made their way out.

Finally, she proceeded to bob her head up and down, fast and steady. It didn’t take long for me to reach another climax. That time, she kept me in, swallowing every drop of me, as i ran my fingers through her hair.

I collapsed once again. Exhausted, as i watched her getting up, with droplets running down one corner of her mouth. I heard her swallowing. She disappeared into the guest bathroom.

Five minutes later i heard a toilet flush, followed by a running faucet.

When she finally came back, she looked at me. “You’re still a dork… but you’re one hell of a lay.” she comments, as i got up. “Thanks” i replied, looking for my boxer briefs.

There was little conversation going on, on our way back to my car. I had a stupid smile on my face, and Amy was mostly silent, focused on driving.

I didn’t know what to think, or what to say up to that point.

“I’m not…” she broke the silence, “...looking for a relationship,  right now. We fucked. That’s it, OK?”.

I had no idea why. I started laughing. It was a genuine laugh. I laughed harder than i ever did before.

She started laughing too. We knew what was going on. We were not going there, neither of us.

“Ok… works for me, ma’am!”, i replied, still chuckling.

Five minutes later, we finally got downtown where Amy french-kissed me one more time before us heading onto our separate ways.



The worst thing about being “the good guy”, is that you end up doing “good guy” shit, like setting the record straight about things, with people who should be left in the dark, for a bunch of good reasons.

After my most unusual adventure with Amy, i didn’t feel quite right about leaving Joe in the dark. As far as i heard, he and Amy had been going out steady for at least a week, after Amy and i had our fling.

In hindsight, my worst mistake was not to discuss my intentions to tell Joe, with Frank, who probably would have told me to keep my mouth shut.

Needless to say the events that unfolded on that particular Friday night, weren’t entirely unexpected.

To make a long story short, i arranged to meet with Joe at the same bar where i met Amy a week prior, and explained to him the chain of events.

Joe was furious. He called her slut, whore, and every other name in the book. For some miraculous reason, he wasn’t mad at me, but i didn’t expect us to be very close after that revelation anyway.

In fact, after that evening, Joe and I didn’t really hang out much, and for a while i noticed Frank was keeping his distance from him too. I would ask Frank about Joe, occasionally, and i’d get a vague answer about Joe acting “kind of weird”, and was told to leave him alone.

Three weeks later, my life got  a little too hectic  for social  interaction, until Frank texted me. “Hey mofo! What happened to you?” he  asked, half-jokingly.  “Nothing, just work… i’m exhausted. What’s up bro?”, i ask him, expecting  the typical bullshit banter about getting blown by some girl, someplace, at some point. I was barely conscious. “What’s up is  that  the shit hit the fan with Monica, brother…”, that immediately caught my attention. “What happened man?”, i  asked him, wondering how a perfectly great relationship based on an infinite string of one-sided infidelities could end so abruptly.

“Fuck, man… Joe happened. That  motherfucker!”

It turned out that Joe had a man-size biff with Frank that dated back to high-school. I didn’t know much about that,  but the little i could gather from Frank, was that the guy had some major attitude problems and was basically a human leech. Frank called Joe out on it, on a night in which they were both drunk out of their skulls, and told him they were no longer friends.

The next thing that happened was Frank having to fish out his laptop from the bathtub, after Joe told Monica he’s been cheating on her. Turned out, she wasn’t exactly in the know of what Frank was doing, as he made it out to be.

I guess from his perspective, he was in a happy, one-sided open relationship.

“Man… i have no idea how  to process what you’re telling me. You’ve been banging a different chick every week, since i’ve known you, man… what do you want  me to tell you?”. I gave Frank my two cents, matter-of-factly. He made the  bed he slept in, and he knew it.

“Yeah… i guess  i kinda fucked up.” was all Frank could say.

“You’ll be alright man. I got to get some shut-eye.”

(To be continued: Tales From The Fifth Wheel Part 2)




Category: romance

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